Month: October 2019

“I always used to be a confident person but during the PhD my self-confidence was shattered and now I constantly doubt myself and my abilities. I miss the person I used to be. Now it’s time to rebuild my confidence again.”

This is a tweet I posted a few days ago and so far over 2k people have liked it, and numerous people got in touch with me to say that they have felt the same. It seems it’s a topic that hits very close to home for many PhDs. So, I have decided to write down what lead to me losing my confidence and what I am doing to try and get it back. It’s still a process for me, but I hope to get there eventually.

Problem #1

I hadn’t really failed at anything before the PhD. I always did well academically and straight after uni I became a teacher of English as a second language, a job that I was very good at. Over the next few years I was given more responsibilities and eventually promoted to the Director of Studies of the foreign languages school I was working for. So overall, most of my life I did things I was reasonably good at and did not have any big disappointments or failures either academically or at work (but plenty in personal life).

However, so much of the PhD experience is about receiving criticism and not knowing whether you are succeeding and this hit me so hard. I had to learn how to deal with criticism and separate it from myself.

Solution #1

Here are some of the strategies that helped me deal with criticism.

First, try to remember that the PhD is like an apprenticeship. You are learning to do research and it takes time and practice to gain the skills. You are not a failure if you don’t immediately do everything perfectly.

Second, it’s not personal. You are receiving criticism of your work, not of yourself as a person. Try to separate your work from yourself as much as possible.

Third, make time for yourself. It is important to treat the PhD like any other job and try to leave your work at the office so that you can dedicate the rest of your time to other things that are equally important in your life (like family, friends, hobbies).

If you want more tips on dealing with criticism see my previous blog post: https://phdmentalhealth.home.blog/2019/06/21/dealing-with-criticism/

Problem #2

I have always been an evidence-based person. This means that if I got enough positive feedback about something, I would conclude that it’s reasonable for me to feel confident about it. For example, I always got positive feedback for my teaching so over the years I became confident in my teaching abilities. This has allowed me to be quite realistic but also confident about myself. However, this strategy backfired massively during the PhD, because most of the evidence was pointing to the conclusion that I wasn’t very good at PhD work. The mistake I made was that this feedback was coming from very few sources.

Solution #2

Get your feedback from as many sources as possible. You supervisor is a very important source of feedback, but they are not and should not be the only source. Get out there – attend & present at conferences, ask questions, go to departmental events, etc.

Because of many difficult events in my life during the PhD, I did not have the opportunity to present my work at conferences until the last year of my PhD. But once I started going to conferences the feedback was quite positive, and this gave me a confidence boost. In addition, I wasn’t afraid to ask questions in other talks and this made me quite visible to other academics and is very good for networking. The same goes for posters, approach people and ask questions. This also gives you an opportunity to mention your work.

My department organises staff research talks were staff present their latest research, and both PhD students and staff can attend. I found such talks very useful as it gave me the opportunity to practice asking questions and talking to academics in a more informal setting.

Don’t underestimate the importance of student-led conferences and publications as such events give you a great opportunity to practice presenting and writing among peers. This is especially useful if you are quite anxious about presenting in public, or about your writing.

And finally, listen to the feedback from those outside of academia – to your friends and family. They can be a powerful reminder of who we really are.

Problem #3

At some point, probably in the second year of my PhD, my confidence in my academic abilities started declining, eventually hitting rock bottom, and as a result I never talked about my work let alone showcased it. But this was a big mistake! No matter how bad you think your work is, this is very unlikely to be true. So recently I started forcing myself to showcase my work more.

Solution #3

For example, I’ve had a ResearchGate profile for a while but always felt like I did not have anything to put on there and thought that conference presentations and posters weren’t worth adding to my profile. Recently, I changed my mind and started adding some of my work. It’s still a tough process for me but I’m glad I made a start. 

Finally, I’d like to mention something the lovely people of Twitter reminded me about: Remember you are so much more that your PhD, your work or academia. For many of us it is an important aspect of our lives, but it doesn’t define us.

1. It’s perfectly normal to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

Starting a PhD was a completely new experience for me, especially because I came to it later in life (around 28) after having had a job for a few years. The structure of a PhD is usually completely different to any job you have had – you are working on your own on one project for up to four years or more, your main point of contact is your supervisor and usually you don’t have fixed working hours. This means that you need to structure your own working day, while trying to make friends and figure out your research (and many students also work in addition to doing their PhDs). It’s a lot and no wonder many PhD students feel lost at the start.

Therefore, it is a good idea to try and use the first six months up to a year of your PhD as the adjustment period. Give yourself time and don’t punish yourself for feeling lost, it’s normal!

2. Everyone else feels lost too.

In my first year we had a department Christmas party for us PhD students in early December. Before that, when I asked a colleague about how their PhD was going they would tell me it’s all great and positive, and in response I would lie and say that everything was great for me too. But it wasn’t, I was struggling a lot and feeling lost but felt especially like a failure because all of my colleagues seemed to be doing great.

By the time of the Christmas party, I had gotten really tired of lying and for the first time I answered the question about how my PhD was going truthfully – it was not going well and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. To my surprise every colleague that I was honest with said that they felt the same but were too afraid to admit it to others.

After that Christmas party we were all a lot more honest with each other about how we were doing and it really eased the pressure we were feeling to be perfect.

3. You don’t have to be perfect.

Think of the PhD as your apprenticeship during which you are learning how to conduct proper research. No one is born a researcher, it is a set of skills that are acquired, and they can’t be acquired over night. It takes time and patience.

I would advise you to set yourself realistic goals for each six months or year. If you are not sure what goals are realistic for your first year talk to your supervisor and colleagues. You can also consult your handbook, or online PhD communities (e.g., just type ‘PhD group’ into your Facebook search and you’ll get numerous groups to join, or if you prefer to use Twitter follow @AcademicChatter for example).

I spent the first six month mostly reading literature and felt like I was not doing enough and was just wasting my time, but it turned out that was exactly what I was supposed to be doing at the start.